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As you can see from this live video feed, I remain calm and collected in the face of grave personal danger. The other
passengers aboard the spacecraft need fear neither gruesome aliens nor terrifying hellspawn so long as my trusty
double-barreled shotgun is within reach.
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In what was arguably my finest hour -- perhaps the finest hour of any Terran, ever -- I successfully defended the lives
of everyone on the planet from a deadly asteroid storm which undoubtedly would have ushered in a new Ice Age had a single
one of these continent-sized boulder slipped past me.
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Here I can be seen bravely exploring the surface of a hellish world whose volcanic activity makes that of Jupiter's closest
moon, Io, pale in comparison. This was not only a bold scientific expedition designed to gather vital data to cure a plague
raging two solar systems away, but also a daring strike against a terrorist organization known as the Pirates of Pestulon.
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Promoted by my superiors, who recognized my unparalleled competence in the art of space war, I was given command of the
assault on Vega 9. I lead the day in eliminating the vicious Zerg swarms from the former colony's surface, and was inducted
into the Galactic Order of Merit for my role in turning back the hitherto unstoppable Zerg onslaught.
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Yet my unchecked rise to power and prominence did not go unnoticed by those jealous of my growing fame, and I was selected
for an extremely dangerous diplomatic venture into the heart of VUX territory. Despite the fatalist air of my crew, who considered the
mission tantamount to a death sentence, we made contact with VUX representatives and secured a Pact of Non-Aggression,
which laid the groundwork for the eventual Terran-VUX Alliance, the crowning achievement of diplomacy in this century.
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Not content to wait for my enemies to make the next move, I boarded a small planetary scouting vessel and headed to the
surface of their primary mining colony, where intelligence had placed their next meeting. Battling my way through hordes
of robot guards, I was able to overcome all odds and finally confronted those who had sought my death. Vengeance was sweet.
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Yet even in death they could strike at me, for no sooner had the sound of blaster fire faded than a massive wormhole
appeared and swept me back through time, to an age of Chaos where two factions battled for dominance. Though initially
feared as an outsider by my primitive human ancestors, I gradually won their trust, their respect, and the command of
their armies. I also earned my nickname, "Catapult," following a particularly impressive deployment of siege equipment.
After defeating the green-skinned aggressors on the field of battle, their most skilled mages devised
a way to send me forward several millenia into the future.
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Regrettably, a slight miscalculation left me stranded here, several decades before the first large-scale human expansion
into space. But in misfortune there is opportunity as well, for now I can work with the leaders of this time to prevent
unprepared encounters with violent and hostile alien species, potentially saving the lives of thousands massacred in the
heinous First Contact Wars.
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